Darren Cruiser

From fattwiki

“A bro, a friend, a little bit of a go-getter.”

Darren Cruiser was previously the pachyderm habitat keeper at the Bluff City Zoo and had a side-hustle organising animal weddings. As of "Bluff City Zoo TWO!" he has a less hands-on role with the Bluff City Zoo 2 as a maintenance worker/outreach/cleaning up after the various Zoo 2 events, although after the incident at the Zoo 2 party, he was later moved to oversee the nightclub in the reptile enclosure of Zoo 3.

He is described as a “wicked fun guy” and “a coworker you have who parties a lot but who does a good job”. His fursona is a gecko.

Darren drives a powder blue Dodge Neon.

Appearance[edit | edit source]

Darren looks like some of the men in the 'British Lads Hitting Each Other With Chairs' video (specifically the one who picks the cigarette off the ground). When seen in the November 2018 Live Fiasco episodes, he is in his late teens to early 20s, with a fit build, slicked back hair, and wears a hoodie with the sleeves cut off and pants that are a little too big for him with his shirt tucked into his belt.

When see in the April 2023 Live Fiasco episodes, his energy is more similar to the twitter video where a shirtless man leans through an open car window to light the cigarette of the shirtless guy in the car with the end of his lit cigarette, captioned "be my one and only" (tweet and video sadly lost to time a the account is now deleted). He wears a Dragon Ball Z swatch (which is slow or has stopped).

His facecast is Darren Criss, during his Glee era.

History and Involvement[edit | edit source]

Fiasco[edit | edit source]

While at the Bluff City Zoo, he was enthusiastic about his job (“you can’t just take the job and only care for one animal”), and was promoted from peccary keeper to pachyderm keeper. He collaborated with his friend Dax Leopard to create fake exhibits as a way to save the Zoo money and generate interest in the exhibits.

After collaborating with Boots Bonus to convince Dax to transfer one of his lionesses to the Trenton Zoo, he was affected by how "bummed out" the lion that remained was, and worked to get the lioness back. He then organised the lions vow renewal.

After this, he became frustrated by his lack of promotion at the Bluff City Zoo, and transferred to the Trenton Zoo in an attempt to get a higher-level position. When this did not happen, he tried to get out of his contract with the Trenton Zoo to return to the Bluff City Zoo, but this was not possible, and so he quit to follow his dreams of performing animal weddings. After performing a chicken wedding at a Trenton school, this business began to take off, however bad press about the lion wedding (and other schemes he was involved in while at the Bluff City Zoo) made it to Trenton, and his animal wedding license was not renewed.

At some point prior to this episode, his girlfriend moved to Trenton resulting in their break-up (it was “the worst he’s ever felt”).

Fiasco Two[edit | edit source]

When we see him again in the April 2023 Fiasco arc, he has moved back to Bluff City from Blough City where he had been living for the past few years since losing his Trenton job. He no longer wants to be the face of the zoo, and is trying to believe that love is real again after getting a new job at Zoo 2.

Relationships[edit | edit source]

Dax[edit | edit source]

Prior to his move to Trenton, he and Dax were close friends inside and outside work, and used their shared Netflix account to watch Netflix while the animals they were keepers of “hang out”. Dax and Darren also had a secret handshake they did to indicate that they were on the same page with one another (the "bro page"), where they held their hands in front of them as though they were reading a book and then pointed a finger to their palm as thought they were pointing at a line in the book. They then said “bro page” aloud. Although Dax and Darren lost touch after Darren's move to Trenton, they were reunited during their time together at Zoo 2. Darren and Dax still hang out and collaborate on Dax's Zoo Free project.

Dudley[edit | edit source]

Some time after moving back to Bluff City, he entered and won the “‘Cream of the Top’ Ladder Contest” Bluff City: Climb Your Way to a Year’s Surprise of Milk! game on the Bluff City Boardwalk, sponsored by a local ice cream manufacturer. His winning time was the same as Dudley Brick House, and so both were awarded a year's supply of milk. To claim their prize, they must travel to the ice cream factory each week to pick up their milk and have their picture taken each time (for the ice cream company’s Instagram). They cannot choose what kind of milk they receive (getting a mixture of whatever milk the factory has extra of that week - buttermilk, 1%, chocolate milk, etc). The two were featured in a local Bluff City newspaper for their win and bonded over this making up their own secret handshake - fist bumping, miming drinking from a glass, and then saying the word “calcium” in unison. After Dudley's exit from Zoo 2, he and Darren lost contact.