Episode description
Three Out of Five It Ain’t Bad
During the late 1880s and early 1890s, the Bluff City Boardwalk saw a surge (and then sudden decline) in the unusual genre of “Lovers’ Songs”. Enterprising organ grinders would charge participants a small sum, hand out a broadsheet, and then act as an accompanist to a lovesick singer.
These proved wildly unpopular. The songs were never particularly emotive, the cost was slightly too high, but the primary nail in the coffin was that it turned out that nobody liked to be sung to - in public - by a potential beau (who was invariably fighting the volume of a barrel organ two feet away).
Most of these songs had faded into obscurity by the time Elliott Callahan, in 1899, recorded “Three Out of Five It Ain’t Bad”, a song that fails - straightforwardly - at communicating anything about love, or indeed anything at all.
I wish I could give you the crown on the head
Of the Queen out in Olde London Town!
I wish I could send you the brooches that shine
Of the Princess of Burgundy’s gown.
But all I can offer’s the love in my heart,
You can make me the happiest lad!
I can offer this music, companionship too,
And hey, three out of five it ain’t bad.
Three out of five, three out of five,
Three out of five it ain’t bad (it ain’t bad!)
Three out of five it ain’t bad, my love,
Three out of five it ain’t bad.
I wish we could visit the fanciest stores,
I would buy you such satin and lace.
I wish we could hike, hand in hand, through the Alps,
See the wintry sun on your face.
But all I can offer’s the spring in my step,
And the knowledge your smile makes me glad.
And the tune that I raise with such fullness of heart,
And hey, three out of five it ain’t bad.
Three out of five, three out of five,
Three out of five it ain’t bad (it ain’t bad!)
Three out of five it ain’t bad, my love,
Three out of five it ain’t bad.
*Organ grinder part in parentheses
Contents
Plot
Cattie scrambles to get the immortal doll puppet from Mr Guppy for an important Arvo and Stacks client, who gets their photo taken regularly with the puppet (similar to a modern day ‘I took a selfie of myself every day for a year’). Melinda is reluctant to do this since she wants to focus on the upcoming heist. Cattie convinces her to go, as the client, AP Garriet, is very important.
Melinda rushes back to get the doll. Her father tells her that the doll has been “maybe the most incredible success of [his] entire life” but that she “can’t look at it” because “it’s not safe”, believing that he has created a doll that cannot die and should not be perceived by human eyes (“when they come for this, they come only for me”). Melinda tries to convince him to let her take it, but her father now fears the doll and says that he will take it to the photography studio himself.
Mr Guppy brings the immortal doll inside a box with a rope tied around it and secured closed with a rope. He apologises to Cattie for what he has done, which she doesn’t quite understand. Melinda explains that her father believes that he has given life and power to the doll. Cattie suggests that Melidna send her father away somewhere to rest his mind, and Cattie says that she believes the money from their heist will solve any problems.
Cattie accuses her of believing that the doll is alive, and Melinda dodges the question, though it is clear that she does in some way believe that it is alive. As the girls go to open the box, Mr Guppy flees the studio. Once they open the box, the doll does seem to be alive, bowing in greeting and seeming upset at the thought of being sold in a shop. Cattie asks if it remembers the photography studio (“is your consciousness new?”), and seems a little excited by the idea of working with a living puppet. The doll seems to have some familiarity with the studio, and agrees to have its picture taken with AP Garriet. Melinda, scared by the doll and wanting to get moving with the preparations for the heist, leaves.
Meanwhile, Sank, Eloise, and Melinda follow Robin and The Batman as the two prepare for their heist, as well as keeping an eye on the hot air balloon. Melinda says she will get in the balloon, to give them a better view of the heist.
Melinda rushes to Luce’s balloon, trying to convince Luce to take her up in the hot air balloon. Luce asks for payment and Melinda says she is “prepared to negotiate” and give Luce a watch as she doesn’t have any money. Luce is skeptical of this, as she doesn't believe Melinda even has a watch. The Neighbor family arrive and Luce trusts Federati to take the family up. Melinda goes with them, and the balloon rises and drifts over the city.
Eloise rushes back to Sank, telling him that she can’t find the other part of the rope tied to the balloon (as unbeknownst to her, the rope has not been tied correctly). Sank spots the rope, dangling far above them, and Eloise says they have to grab it, saying that she can hook it down with a fishing rod, which they can get from the Hellmann Sisters Boating Shop.
The Hellmann Sisters Boating Shop smells strongly of garlic, more vinegar and black pepper. Sank asks one of the sisters if they can “try before they buy” and the sister says as long as they stay within the shop. Eloise asks if they can try out on the rods on the roof, as that is technically within the perimeter of the shop. The sister, not knowing much about fishing, believes this and asks them which piece of equipment is the fishing rod to give it to Eloise.
They spot the hot air balloon and call up to Melinda and the Neighbor family. They hook it, but Eloise is carried away on the rope. Melinda pulls her on board with the help of the Neighbor family. The Neighbor family ask for their names, and Melinda and Eloise give fake names (Belinda and Emma Pepper).
Meanwhile, Pomp (now dressed in a full cowboy outfit) is trying to get a getaway vehicle to the woods. For this, he has chosen Princeton, the Powdered Sugar Horse. Pomp tries to lead the horse towards the well, which is their agreed upon meeting point, but Princeton, sensing his uncertainty, refuses to move. Pomp explains to Princeton that this is his last opportunity to do something for his friends, since he will be leaving for Princeton soon. Princeton, the horse, in convinced by this, and they reach the clearing just in time.
Cast
- Austin Walker as Eloise Salt
- Art Martinez-Tebbel as Pomp Circumstance
- Janine Hawkins as Caterena "Cattie" Pontacorvo
- Jack de Quidt as Melinda Guppy
- Keith J Carberry as Sank Getlef
Notes
- From the Patreon post: If you'd like to follow along to everyone watching Mr. Ed Plays Baseball at 1:22:24, the link can be found here.