Episode description[edit | edit source]
I Can’t Find My Way Off Atlantic
During the winter of 1895, the main thoroughfare of Atlantic Avenue was set upon by work crews from City Hall, who - in preparation for the approaching 20th Century - sought to improve the quality of the road surfaces and allow for increased traffic. The works were scheduled to last no longer than two months - but, thanks to mismanagement, bad luck, and direct appropriation of funds - the project stretched languorously into the summer of 1896: the year of the heatwave.
“What a disaster,” wrote Elliott Callahan. “The wheels of carts, of automobiles, sinking into the asphalt as it melted on the streets. Confused horses. Shouting patrons. Great columns of immobilised travellers, the length of the avenue.”
From the relative safety of the boardwalk, far from the sounds of the work crews, the organ grinders were known to sing:
Oh once, long ago, I knew peace in my heart,
I would rise with the sun and the birds!
But now I am stuck in the back of a cart,
And my anger surpasses my words.
Last springtime I met a remarkable gem,
In the summer, my thoughts turned romantic.
I would love to revisit my sweetheart again,
But I can’t find my way off Atlantic.
Perhaps I have been here for thirty five years.
Suspended ’twixt horror and prayer.
Perhaps when the horrible traffic jam clears,
I will find and imprison the mayor!
I will find and imprison the mayor of Bluff,
Just as soon as I’m out of the fray!
I can see City Hall just ahead, sure enough,
But there’s forty nine cars in the way.
Help! Help! Help! Help! I can’t find my way off Atlantic!
Help! Help! Help me! Help! I can’t find my way off Atlantic! (x2)
Contents[edit | edit source]
Plot[edit | edit source]
Cattie has arrived early to Stack and Arvo in order to take a family portrait (a large-headed moustachioed man, William Neighbor, and his “big, beautiful wife Honey Bear, [his] brilliant daughter Federati, and [his] beautiful little boy Muscles”). The family shuffles around getting ready and making demands on where they should all be positioned in the portrait. Cattie offers them use of the shop’s costumes and the family decline as they have brought their own. The family changes into their costumes: a one-piece swimsuit over a wolf costume, a red velvet cape like a king would wear and a crown (William Neighbor), former president Henry Harrison (Honey Bear), a vicious grizzly bear, mid-kill (Federati), and Beethoven’s ghost (Muscles). Cattie attempts to arrange the family for their portraits and during this process they break a puppet that they were using in the staging of their portrait. The family, distraught, rush to get the puppet fixed at Gadgets By Guppy.
Melinda, still excitable after having the conversation with the others about the heist, and goes to talk to her father, who is working on his latest invention, the “immortal puppet”. She asks him if it’s “wrong to steal” and he says very plainly that it is, and they have a conversation about whether there could be something, like a truck full of watches, that could be owned by no one, thus making it okay to steal, finally settling on that her father will love her no matter what she steals. Satisfied, Melinda heads back out.
Eloise and Sank head out to Hellmann Sisters Boating Shop to look for rope. They gather up rope, and ask if they can have it for free. Sank also asks about the egg smell in the shop. The first sister avoids the question, as does the second sister when they switch roles. The sisters gather in the back room, discussing how they can hide their sauce recipe. Sank and Eloise argue with the sisters about the smell. A large glob of mayonnaise explodes out of the back room and into the front, exposing the sister’s secrets and covering Eloise and Sank in mayo. Eloise grabs the ropes and runs out the door. Hank Crystal, the boardwalk cop, spots (and smells) them as they make their escape.